Things I've gleaned as of 2010...many of them not so evident.

If there's anything that this year has been, it has been a time of refreshing peace.  A clearing of fog.  Many things which caused me sorrow and pain and popped into focus.  There are few things which I feel unclear about, even though I feel so much more uncertain about my future!

But here they are....

1. I've become incredibly aware of my shortcomings and the impossibilities in my character.

It is quite amazing when I think about how incredibly humbling it's been to be able to really know that I am not that great.  To know that I don't have some sort of "edge" that makes me just that wee bit smarter than everyone else, thereby making my opinions de facto the best opinions around.

For the first time in my life, people have done things to me, or said things, and I've started to react, but then pulled back and said to myself, "well...you know, they are probably right.  I am that sort of person, and I probably deserved that in some way.  I should think before I try to justify myself."

Not self-flagellation by any means, really.  I think just healthier perspective on myself.


2. I've regained the groove of writing music.

For many, many years I found myself in a funk of being unable to write anything.  I think the majority of my writing was done in undergrad, from 2000-2002, and then things in my life happened which were hard, and I just died creatively.  I probably wrote creatively maybe 5 times in the 6 years since then, but this past year has seen a renaissance of my creative energies.

It's not even a source of bragging....I've become all too aware of how fragile I am, and how creativity is a gift that is given and taken away during different seasons...

3. Healthy emotions have returned...

People have often endearingly accused me of being "emo", but truth be told I think that for about 6 years, I shed far less tears than I did in the two years '01-'02.  I finally feel normal sadness and happiness.  I'm far less reactive, and even when things happen which bring up the trauma of the past, I'm able to handle it far better than I used to.

4. I have for the first time actually gotten a fair amount done, and have forgotten very little.

Thanks to Getting Things Done (which I finally finished this semester, after several years of reading a few chapters at a time here and there), and my nearly complete implementation of the GTD system with most of my life (outside of my schoolwork, ironically), I've at least gotten to the point where as long as I've written it down, it gets done.  Even if it takes a few months or a few years.  I closed the loop on certain things I've told myself for almost a decade I was going to do (like contact my old piano teacher from high school to thank him for the immeasurable difference he's made in my life), and I've noticed myself keeping my commitments better, and saying "no" to more things!

I even look ahead in my calendar regularly....I actually think of things ahead of time....which, if you know me AT ALL, is a complete miracle.  I've planned events, booked plane tickets ahead of time, and even anticipated weekend events a month ahead of time!

Again, some of you may think this rather unextraordinary, but for me this is nothing short of miraculous.


5. I've figured out a way to have a steady stream of introducing myself to new things to fill my intellectual/creative/entertainment/political realm....

I have a Microsoft Zune (30 GB, which is great, though I'd get this one or this one if I had more cash), and I use my Zune Pass to download via subscription tons of new music and new albums by my favorite artists, and this music is organized via smart playlists and then played during my journeys up and down from school.... I've never been so glad for 40 minute commutes.

I have a subscription to The Week, which is the greatest thing EVER if you have a hard time trying to keep up and care about politics and current events.  They take the best articles, editorials, and events of each week and compile them into an easy readable publication.  The Week tries to be unbiased, and to say the least I at least feel like I get both sides on every issue.  And finally I don't feel like a completely unresponsible citizen of this fair country, or an unaware sheltered Christian nincompoop.  (That's right, I said nincompoop.)

I use Google Reader to basically subscribe to EVERYTHING I read online so that I don't have to surf the web and do endless clicking.  Everyday I'm able to peruse the headlines of hundreds of blog posts on different websites, from tech blogs like Engadget/Gizmodo to "make life better" blogs like Lifehacker to fitness articles on T-Nation and even personal blogs....Tweetdeck pretty much takes care of Facebook/Twitter feeds.


6.  I've settled better into acceptance of waiting.

Waiting for what?  Well, everything!  I deceive my self less about future moments, and do more in the present than I used to.  I'm more ok with being single than I ever have.....I think after years of it being an overwhelming situation that must be dealt with, I've at least learned to accept that good things take time.  I can accept the slow rate at which my character seems to grow, and the way in which relationships require long-standing patience and love to mature.  I can also better accept the uncontrollable things in life, both within myself and in the world.


I think I'll wrap it up here.  Needless to say, I don't feel like I've arrived even in the least.  I probably spent a good 30 minutes feeling today in prayer admitting that I'm about as impoverished and weak as ever, and desperately needing the strength of Another to get me through each day, but perhaps....perhaps even that is progress.