You ask this when you suffer, but really the question is far deeper....
The question is, why would the pain and suffering of God be worth enough that He would bring it upon Himself?
=)
Have a nice day!
Friday, January 22, 2010
Thursday, January 21, 2010
My Depression, and the Great Escape.
It is strange....when I consider how my sadness, which has been with me since childhood, has taken its full shape.
Many think it is just about positive thinking..... but I can remember my turning point in one place, and in one place alone.
I cried out to God, and said, "I am miserable, but You promise life! You can do whatever You want with me, if I can only know You as fully as possible."
Suffering is only bad if it has no purpose.
What has happened, to my immense joy, has been that I have been given joy and love unending, but also that my melancholy state and sadness have been channeled into useful, good things in my life. It is not that suffering has been erased, but it has been changed.
The story is not good by ripping pages out.....only by reading on, and seeing how the future events will mold the meaning of the past into a glowing tapestry of grace.
Many think it is just about positive thinking..... but I can remember my turning point in one place, and in one place alone.
I cried out to God, and said, "I am miserable, but You promise life! You can do whatever You want with me, if I can only know You as fully as possible."
Suffering is only bad if it has no purpose.
What has happened, to my immense joy, has been that I have been given joy and love unending, but also that my melancholy state and sadness have been channeled into useful, good things in my life. It is not that suffering has been erased, but it has been changed.
The story is not good by ripping pages out.....only by reading on, and seeing how the future events will mold the meaning of the past into a glowing tapestry of grace.
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
An entry about what blows my mind...
I told my roommate this morning something I remembered from my days at Boston College, when I met late one night with Father Tacelli...
Where is the cure for guilt via the paths of love and forgiveness? There is none, other than with the God of Christianity, with Jesus.
You may find other things..... paths to life... denial of the self... miracles... "happiness"..... inner peace...even good deeds, care for others, and a "higher being"....speaking in tongues or raising from the dead....
No where else will you find that God Himself has lowered Himself to become best friends with men, only to face their betrayal and desertion, utter alienation and humiliation in execution, and to have the guilt of others laid upon him.
I cannot imagine the gravity of feeling someone else's guilt upon me. I can only marvel at how, when I stagger so mightily under my own guilt before giving it to Him, that He actually took on the guilt of others.
And to look upon the ones who have betrayed Him, and to love them again, to call them friend... to restore them in love and compassion... who can do this?
This kind of power is that which brings me into worship. Not just abstract ideas, or displays of power, or the showing of brute, unmoved will... it is the willingness to befriend, experience betrayal, and to forgive with incredible steadfast love. For it is this which every human being can relate to, and can find unimaginably awesome.... that there is indeed Someone in the world that you could wrong so badly, who would still love you.
Where is the cure for guilt via the paths of love and forgiveness? There is none, other than with the God of Christianity, with Jesus.
You may find other things..... paths to life... denial of the self... miracles... "happiness"..... inner peace...even good deeds, care for others, and a "higher being"....speaking in tongues or raising from the dead....
No where else will you find that God Himself has lowered Himself to become best friends with men, only to face their betrayal and desertion, utter alienation and humiliation in execution, and to have the guilt of others laid upon him.
I cannot imagine the gravity of feeling someone else's guilt upon me. I can only marvel at how, when I stagger so mightily under my own guilt before giving it to Him, that He actually took on the guilt of others.
And to look upon the ones who have betrayed Him, and to love them again, to call them friend... to restore them in love and compassion... who can do this?
This kind of power is that which brings me into worship. Not just abstract ideas, or displays of power, or the showing of brute, unmoved will... it is the willingness to befriend, experience betrayal, and to forgive with incredible steadfast love. For it is this which every human being can relate to, and can find unimaginably awesome.... that there is indeed Someone in the world that you could wrong so badly, who would still love you.
Monday, January 11, 2010
Ho hum....
Awake when I don't need to be, sleepy when I need to be awake.
Motivated for the wrong things at the wrong time.
Miraculous that I've made it this far. =P
Windows 7
, by the way, is outstanding. Even on an old desktop PC it's just smoother and faster.
I've decided to move to a different room to get my own space. I'll miss the company, but I think I may get some divine Company, and this may aid me more in my day-to-day existence.
We sang a new song at church today. It happened to be an old hymn, with rewritten music and a chorus added. It's strange how I always thought worship music writing was an enterprise I felt too presumptuous to take upon myself, but circumstance has caused to be something I've done regularly in the past year.
What is it that makes two people right for each other? And how can you know if people are truly happy or not? The eyes deceive, and only God can really see it. I find that my observations and guesses are often far off, and my criticisms at times are simply devoid of trust in Providential purpose.
Walking through life unconsciously... going from one moment to the next... I see myself doing this...I see others doing it. And I wonder as to the purpose. Not in the sense that I don't think I have at least partly understood it, but I find the impulse to wonder happens nonetheless.
When I hear about happiness and excitement of others, I feel a sad, sometimes sardonic emotion... other times I am glad, but still in a slightly sad way. Why always tainted by melancholy? Because I know what they feel will not last forever. Inevitably something will come in the next moment and spoil it, even if that spoiling is for their ultimate good.
I've learned that sitting in utter silence, without internal or external noise, is a necessity.
I've accepted that loneliness is a fruitful way of refining the soul.
Finally, I realized this week that the absence of something you took for granted exposes at least in part its true value to you.
Motivated for the wrong things at the wrong time.
Miraculous that I've made it this far. =P
Windows 7
, by the way, is outstanding. Even on an old desktop PC it's just smoother and faster. I've decided to move to a different room to get my own space. I'll miss the company, but I think I may get some divine Company, and this may aid me more in my day-to-day existence.
We sang a new song at church today. It happened to be an old hymn, with rewritten music and a chorus added. It's strange how I always thought worship music writing was an enterprise I felt too presumptuous to take upon myself, but circumstance has caused to be something I've done regularly in the past year.
What is it that makes two people right for each other? And how can you know if people are truly happy or not? The eyes deceive, and only God can really see it. I find that my observations and guesses are often far off, and my criticisms at times are simply devoid of trust in Providential purpose.
Walking through life unconsciously... going from one moment to the next... I see myself doing this...I see others doing it. And I wonder as to the purpose. Not in the sense that I don't think I have at least partly understood it, but I find the impulse to wonder happens nonetheless.
When I hear about happiness and excitement of others, I feel a sad, sometimes sardonic emotion... other times I am glad, but still in a slightly sad way. Why always tainted by melancholy? Because I know what they feel will not last forever. Inevitably something will come in the next moment and spoil it, even if that spoiling is for their ultimate good.
I've learned that sitting in utter silence, without internal or external noise, is a necessity.
I've accepted that loneliness is a fruitful way of refining the soul.
Finally, I realized this week that the absence of something you took for granted exposes at least in part its true value to you.
Sunday, January 3, 2010
Things I've gleaned as of 2010...many of them not so evident.
If there's anything that this year has been, it has been a time of refreshing peace. A clearing of fog. Many things which caused me sorrow and pain and popped into focus. There are few things which I feel unclear about, even though I feel so much more uncertain about my future!
But here they are....
1. I've become incredibly aware of my shortcomings and the impossibilities in my character.
It is quite amazing when I think about how incredibly humbling it's been to be able to really know that I am not that great. To know that I don't have some sort of "edge" that makes me just that wee bit smarter than everyone else, thereby making my opinions de facto the best opinions around.
For the first time in my life, people have done things to me, or said things, and I've started to react, but then pulled back and said to myself, "well...you know, they are probably right. I am that sort of person, and I probably deserved that in some way. I should think before I try to justify myself."
Not self-flagellation by any means, really. I think just healthier perspective on myself.
2. I've regained the groove of writing music.
For many, many years I found myself in a funk of being unable to write anything. I think the majority of my writing was done in undergrad, from 2000-2002, and then things in my life happened which were hard, and I just died creatively. I probably wrote creatively maybe 5 times in the 6 years since then, but this past year has seen a renaissance of my creative energies.
It's not even a source of bragging....I've become all too aware of how fragile I am, and how creativity is a gift that is given and taken away during different seasons...
3. Healthy emotions have returned...
People have often endearingly accused me of being "emo", but truth be told I think that for about 6 years, I shed far less tears than I did in the two years '01-'02. I finally feel normal sadness and happiness. I'm far less reactive, and even when things happen which bring up the trauma of the past, I'm able to handle it far better than I used to.
4. I have for the first time actually gotten a fair amount done, and have forgotten very little.
Thanks to Getting Things Done
(which I finally finished this semester, after several years of reading a few chapters at a time here and there), and my nearly complete implementation of the GTD system with most of my life (outside of my schoolwork, ironically), I've at least gotten to the point where as long as I've written it down, it gets done. Even if it takes a few months or a few years. I closed the loop on certain things I've told myself for almost a decade I was going to do (like contact my old piano teacher from high school to thank him for the immeasurable difference he's made in my life), and I've noticed myself keeping my commitments better, and saying "no" to more things!
I even look ahead in my calendar regularly....I actually think of things ahead of time....which, if you know me AT ALL, is a complete miracle. I've planned events, booked plane tickets ahead of time, and even anticipated weekend events a month ahead of time!
Again, some of you may think this rather unextraordinary, but for me this is nothing short of miraculous.
5. I've figured out a way to have a steady stream of introducing myself to new things to fill my intellectual/creative/entertainment/political realm....
I have a Microsoft Zune (30 GB, which is great, though I'd get this
one or this
one if I had more cash), and I use my Zune Pass to download via subscription tons of new music and new albums by my favorite artists, and this music is organized via smart playlists and then played during my journeys up and down from school.... I've never been so glad for 40 minute commutes.
I have a subscription to The Week, which is the greatest thing EVER if you have a hard time trying to keep up and care about politics and current events. They take the best articles, editorials, and events of each week and compile them into an easy readable publication. The Week tries to be unbiased, and to say the least I at least feel like I get both sides on every issue. And finally I don't feel like a completely unresponsible citizen of this fair country, or an unaware sheltered Christian nincompoop. (That's right, I said nincompoop.)
I use Google Reader to basically subscribe to EVERYTHING I read online so that I don't have to surf the web and do endless clicking. Everyday I'm able to peruse the headlines of hundreds of blog posts on different websites, from tech blogs like Engadget/Gizmodo to "make life better" blogs like Lifehacker to fitness articles on T-Nation and even personal blogs....Tweetdeck pretty much takes care of Facebook/Twitter feeds.
6. I've settled better into acceptance of waiting.
Waiting for what? Well, everything! I deceive my self less about future moments, and do more in the present than I used to. I'm more ok with being single than I ever have.....I think after years of it being an overwhelming situation that must be dealt with, I've at least learned to accept that good things take time. I can accept the slow rate at which my character seems to grow, and the way in which relationships require long-standing patience and love to mature. I can also better accept the uncontrollable things in life, both within myself and in the world.
I think I'll wrap it up here. Needless to say, I don't feel like I've arrived even in the least. I probably spent a good 30 minutes feeling today in prayer admitting that I'm about as impoverished and weak as ever, and desperately needing the strength of Another to get me through each day, but perhaps....perhaps even that is progress.
But here they are....
1. I've become incredibly aware of my shortcomings and the impossibilities in my character.
It is quite amazing when I think about how incredibly humbling it's been to be able to really know that I am not that great. To know that I don't have some sort of "edge" that makes me just that wee bit smarter than everyone else, thereby making my opinions de facto the best opinions around.
For the first time in my life, people have done things to me, or said things, and I've started to react, but then pulled back and said to myself, "well...you know, they are probably right. I am that sort of person, and I probably deserved that in some way. I should think before I try to justify myself."
Not self-flagellation by any means, really. I think just healthier perspective on myself.
2. I've regained the groove of writing music.
For many, many years I found myself in a funk of being unable to write anything. I think the majority of my writing was done in undergrad, from 2000-2002, and then things in my life happened which were hard, and I just died creatively. I probably wrote creatively maybe 5 times in the 6 years since then, but this past year has seen a renaissance of my creative energies.
It's not even a source of bragging....I've become all too aware of how fragile I am, and how creativity is a gift that is given and taken away during different seasons...
3. Healthy emotions have returned...
People have often endearingly accused me of being "emo", but truth be told I think that for about 6 years, I shed far less tears than I did in the two years '01-'02. I finally feel normal sadness and happiness. I'm far less reactive, and even when things happen which bring up the trauma of the past, I'm able to handle it far better than I used to.
4. I have for the first time actually gotten a fair amount done, and have forgotten very little.
Thanks to Getting Things Done
(which I finally finished this semester, after several years of reading a few chapters at a time here and there), and my nearly complete implementation of the GTD system with most of my life (outside of my schoolwork, ironically), I've at least gotten to the point where as long as I've written it down, it gets done. Even if it takes a few months or a few years. I closed the loop on certain things I've told myself for almost a decade I was going to do (like contact my old piano teacher from high school to thank him for the immeasurable difference he's made in my life), and I've noticed myself keeping my commitments better, and saying "no" to more things!I even look ahead in my calendar regularly....I actually think of things ahead of time....which, if you know me AT ALL, is a complete miracle. I've planned events, booked plane tickets ahead of time, and even anticipated weekend events a month ahead of time!
Again, some of you may think this rather unextraordinary, but for me this is nothing short of miraculous.
5. I've figured out a way to have a steady stream of introducing myself to new things to fill my intellectual/creative/entertainment/political realm....
I have a Microsoft Zune (30 GB, which is great, though I'd get this
one or this one if I had more cash), and I use my Zune Pass to download via subscription tons of new music and new albums by my favorite artists, and this music is organized via smart playlists and then played during my journeys up and down from school.... I've never been so glad for 40 minute commutes.I have a subscription to The Week, which is the greatest thing EVER if you have a hard time trying to keep up and care about politics and current events. They take the best articles, editorials, and events of each week and compile them into an easy readable publication. The Week tries to be unbiased, and to say the least I at least feel like I get both sides on every issue. And finally I don't feel like a completely unresponsible citizen of this fair country, or an unaware sheltered Christian nincompoop. (That's right, I said nincompoop.)
I use Google Reader to basically subscribe to EVERYTHING I read online so that I don't have to surf the web and do endless clicking. Everyday I'm able to peruse the headlines of hundreds of blog posts on different websites, from tech blogs like Engadget/Gizmodo to "make life better" blogs like Lifehacker to fitness articles on T-Nation and even personal blogs....Tweetdeck pretty much takes care of Facebook/Twitter feeds.
6. I've settled better into acceptance of waiting.
Waiting for what? Well, everything! I deceive my self less about future moments, and do more in the present than I used to. I'm more ok with being single than I ever have.....I think after years of it being an overwhelming situation that must be dealt with, I've at least learned to accept that good things take time. I can accept the slow rate at which my character seems to grow, and the way in which relationships require long-standing patience and love to mature. I can also better accept the uncontrollable things in life, both within myself and in the world.
I think I'll wrap it up here. Needless to say, I don't feel like I've arrived even in the least. I probably spent a good 30 minutes feeling today in prayer admitting that I'm about as impoverished and weak as ever, and desperately needing the strength of Another to get me through each day, but perhaps....perhaps even that is progress.
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