Interesting tidbits...

Some fun facts about the past few months:

- I have no doubt in my mind that I've made a vast improvement in closing out tasks and keeping projects in the loop.  Much thanks to Getting Things Done, and maybe the medication, and maybe just some plain old impatience with myself and becoming tired of never knowing what was going on in life.

- I built my own cheapie gaming computer and totally-awesome-workstation (thanks to this site) for less than $500, and am not regretting it for a moment....not having to break out my laptop except for class, and having a super speedy workstation/gaming computer is pretty much everything I hoped it would be.

- In my 30th year, it strikes me that my time could've been better spent in my 20s (doesn't EVERYONE think so?), but really it wasn't wasted, because at least I was able to accrue enough wisdom to see this, rather than think "my 20s were awesome".

- I finally started reading again for leisure!  It started with reading "the Week" in the bathroom, but ever since I bought a Kindle, there have actually been moments of leisure reading in my life....often via my Android Kindle app or on the Kindle itself.  Looking forward to traveling next week and taking a Kindle instead of three or four books.

- While I'm getting a better idea of what I'm good at, I have no idea what direction to take come next year, and that decision is getting really, really close if I want to actually start taking next actions.

- I'm constantly in humble amazement at my journey thus far, and am very thankful.

Where is the Lord, the God of Elijah?

Tis strange how the world goes 'round....

It is a strange thing when you realize the fragility of your own consciousness and soul....how easily you can be rattled and shaken, and helpless you often are within your own situations.

To have clarity about what is going on within yourself and outside of yourself, and to within that even understand why something cannot be helped, but must be nonetheless....it is a strange feeling.

Sometimes it produces unrest.....but today it has produced a strange sense of peace.

Perhaps this and the fact that I was given such a measure of grace by my Hebrew professor that I can't really be more thankful.


I'd say that the last few months have been some of the most difficult in certain respects....but it truly is the difficult times that bring us the most reward, and can help us to become redeeming agents in the world.....not contributing anymore than is necessary to the chaos and destruction that goes on every day.


Also, if you are running in the wrong direction, becoming tired sooner than later is probably a good situation, not a bad one.  You can reevaluate and figure out what has been going wrong.

The signs of health returning to me?  I've stopped escaping via video games and distractions, and have begun to once again engage myself with....myself, I guess.  This blog entry being one of many signs of life returning to me.

I think I am just grateful that my weakness exposes with clarity the strong and merciful hands that carry me.

Cheerio.

I have a really, really strange psychosis.

For some odd reason, I really feel bad disturbing people who are sleeping.

It's bizarre, but I have such an insane paranoia regarding this that I'll go to great lengths to make sure it doesn't happen.

Case Study #1:

Forget the Girl was playing at KASCON hosted at Princeton University.  They gave us two hotel rooms to stay in, and so three of us in the band had to sleep in a room with two double beds.  I came in later than the others, so I arrived to a dark room where both of my buddies are sleeping to the side of each of their respective beds, giving me the option of sleeping next to either one.

But what do I do?  I'm so paranoid about disturbing them that I decide to sleep on the floor of the hotel room with my jacket draped over my body for the entire night.

In the morning, they asked why the hell I did that, and I had no explanation, except that I "didn't want to disturb them."


Case Study #2:

My room at school is arranged such that rather than share a room and have a common room, my roommate and I have it arranged so that he has the common room to himself, and I have the bedroom.  The only thing is, if I want to use the bathroom I have to walk through his room.

The prospect of having to open the door whenever he is asleep or napping bothers me such that for a while I would open the door handle as silently as possible.  I would then creep into the bathroom, equally silently closing the door, and then turning on the light after entering, because when you turn on the light, the fan turns on too.  Even when the fan goes on, I am bothered by that, such that I always wonder if there is a way to use the bathroom with the door closed and the light off (there isn't, because there's no windows).

Even right now, I am trying to clean up my room, but I won't because washing dishes means some clinking noises, and running water and walking back and forth between my room and his.

Oh, and you think my roommate is a light sleeper?  He isn't.  In fact, none of this bothers him at all, and he thinks I'm crazy.



Basically, I have to intentionally tell myself "oh whatever" and just make noise when I realize it's really not bothering anyone, but actually right now, the dishes thing....I can't bring myself to do it.  Which is why I'm writing this blog entry instead.

In the grand scheme of things...

Sometimes it takes the presence of Another for you to realize how you have really felt all along.  

The more secure you feel with someone, the more you find you are able to be yourself, and expose....well, yourself.

Why is there suffering?

Why, because I have caused it, and because I have birthed it.

The odd thing is that my Lord has seen it fit not to erase it (and perhaps, even, erase me in my current state?) but instead to transform it....to turn into a tale, a story....one that is both sad and worth telling....joyful and melancholy all at the same time.

I don't know if you're like me, where these moments catch up with you.....I had it today listening to "River God" by Nichole Nordeman.  Most of the things that have caused me grief and stress these days have more to do with despair over my own self than anything else...and yet it's only the relieving presence of God, and the realization that He is indeed purifying the evil from my soul, and that allows me to cave in and admit that it has been a difficult process.

Tis strange to be banking on a payout that will never come until I close my eyes in death.  And yet I stand on that now-invisible surface with my entire soul, as I type here with utmost conviction that God is love.

And now, back to my paper.

Random thoughts about responsible purchasing/ownership....and a few product reviews.

The important thing for me is:
1) Will it be useful?

This is by far the most important thing which may seem common sense, and yet is most helpful when I consider buying new gear.  And it's not just "will I use it", but will it actually add qualitatively to my life in a way that might in some way at all help me move towards my goals or towards being a more loving person/blessing to other people?  Even if it means destressing me helping me feel more relaxed during my R&R time.

I've ended up selling quite a few things and letting myself have a few others based on this filter.

2) I break things/lose things...will that be ok?

If something is expensive and awesome but fragile I may not get it.
Or maybe it's awesome but small and I'll lose it....in that case I may get the cheaper one.

Case in point/Product reviews:  Pens, bluetooth headsets, headphones.

I remember going to Staples and thinking "I need an awesome pen."  I bought like an $8 pen that also functioned as a stylus for my PDA and also a pencil!  It was awesome.....for all of 3 weeks until I lost the thing.

I've never bought a super expensive pen again, realizing that I routinely lose pens/pencils.  So I have a huge stack of papermate pens of the cheapest kind and have just left them EVERYWHERE.  Then I got a smaller collection of Pilot G2 Gel pens and left a few of those everywhere.  I haven't bought pensf ro a long time sense, because I'll lose a few, find a few, and always have a few.

Similarly, back in the day I decided I would get an awesome balls-to-the-wall bluetooth headset.  So I did research and paid like $50 for a Platronics Voyager, which was by the way totally awesome.  A few months later I lost it, and I have no freaking idea where it is.  Determined to prevent such similar nonsense from happening again, I got a Jabra BT350 for about $15 somewhere, and this perfectly serviceable headset I actually have to this very day (though I actually am selling it b/c I got another one on the cheap which is better).

Headphones:  At first I spent a decent amount of money on a pair of Shure headphones, which were, back in that day, pretty expensive.  They were then promptly lost.  I owned a pair of Koss SportaPros, which by the way sound terrific for the price.  But the gem of them all was my purchase of some Grado SR60s from a friend for $40 (thanks, Ina!!), and I have to say, I've never heard anything quite as good for under $100.  For daily casual usage and travel to block out sound, I actually ended up finding a pair of Skullcandy Titans for just $17 on ebay!  These are probably the best cheap buy I've found....they even have a mic on them so I can use them with my phone to answer calls, etc.

Needless to say, after my initial mistake, I've never spent more than $50 on headphones, and I've been very happy with the mileage I've gotten out of most of my purchases.  Shout-out to www.headphone.com for giving me some of the greatest headphone recommendations for the money that I've ever known.

Oh, and NEVER buy crap like those Dr. Dre headphones.....super not worth it.

I started this entry with some kind of point in mind, but after half-finishing in last week, I don't remember.  So I'll end it here.

The difference healthy pessimism can make.

"One did not expect to like it.  Nobody said you ought to like it.  Nobody pretended to like it.  Everyone you met took it for granted that the whole thing was an odious necessity, a ghastly interruption of rational life.  And that made all the difference.  Straight tribulation is easier to bear than tribulation which advertises itself as pleasure.  The one breed camaraderie and even (when intense) a kind of love between the fellow sufferers; the other, mutual distrust, cynicism, concealed and fretting resentment."

- C.S. Lewis, Surprised by Joy.

He is talking here about his participation in the military...but I find it strikingly profound about lots of things..... it's why I probably enjoyed working at the mall alot more than working at a software company....the former had no pretense of enjoyment, while the latter attempted to create a pretense of it being fulfilling in and of itself.... in fact, the description pretty much describes (in possibly more melodramatic fashion than I'd like, but fairly accurately nonetheless) the way both of those occupations felt.

I wonder if such an attitude is not more helpful if we had it in more areas of life....it the sense of entitlement to purpose or happiness which often produces so much misery.  As if certain things are supposed to be fulfilling, when they really never promised us as such, except via the lies of society and the world (and the Devil, I'd say)....

Some things aren't exactly meant to be pleasant in the fullest sense.  Sometimes it's a matter of honor and duty, or working hard and doing what must be done because there is a battle to be fought, some thing that must be won, or a responsibility which has a gravity that far outweighs our petty concern for enjoyment.

A big difference in my life the past few weeks.....

has been waking up at 6 AM (or earlier, sometimes!) and going to the gym, and then starting the day, with the day usually ending by 10:30 PM or earlier.

I just feel better.  WAY better.  And more productive, happier, less depressed....then I read this in a fitness article...

6. An hour of sleep before midnight is worth two hours after midnight.

My fiancée typically has to get up pretty early. I, on the other hand, am self-employed and set my own schedule, so I never see athletes before 10 a.m. We go to bed at the same time (around 10:30 p.m.), but I'm still up by 6:15 a.m. at the latest. I'm sleeping less than the ever-coveted eight hours per night, yet I'm still as productive as ever. What gives?
I'm getting more hours of sleep before midnight, and I wake up without an alarm. The end result is I get a ton of stuff done early in the day (I'm actually typing this at 6:11 a.m.). Now, if I sleep 12 a.m. to 8 a.m., I notice a huge drop in performance, even though it's more sleep.


Now, he goes on to say that it just matters that you sleep and wake up at the same time everynight, but I'm just going to go ahead and say that waking up with the sun and sleeping soon after it sets has been the best thing I've ever done.

I've worked out more consistently, eaten late-night a whole lot less, and wasted less time in general.  It's been fantastic.  Who would've thought.  And now we have like a small crew that goes together to the gym at 6:30 AM.  haha.....perhaps the only positive influence I've had on people at seminary. =P

If something does not make sense....

It's either foolish, or there is something undiscovered.

How can a man sing endlessly of the love of an invisible God, crying out "I'm so grateful" in a way that cannot be denied, but must be identified as genuine thanksgiving?

Or if someone loves a despicable person....while we may dismiss it as delusion, might we not also see that there is perhaps something worthy of love within the apparently despicable individual?

I feel this most keenly at weddings......it is almost as if for a moment you see into the world of two loved ones.... an entire world of existence, and a way of seeing that person which seems more right, in a way.

It may be that when we die, the things which were most important were seen by the fewest people.

How could more pain and suffering be worth it?

You ask this when you suffer, but really the question is far deeper....



The question is, why would the pain and suffering of God be worth enough that He would bring it upon Himself?

=)

Have a nice day!

My Depression, and the Great Escape.

It is strange....when I consider how my sadness, which has been with me since childhood, has taken its full shape.

Many think it is just about positive thinking..... but I can remember my turning point in one place, and in one place alone.


I cried out to God, and said, "I am miserable, but You promise life!  You can do whatever You want with me, if I can only know You as fully as possible."

Suffering is only bad if it has no purpose.

What has happened, to my immense joy, has been that I have been given joy and love unending, but also that my melancholy state and sadness have been channeled into useful, good things in my life.  It is not that suffering has been erased, but it has been changed.

The story is not good by ripping pages out.....only by reading on, and seeing how the future events will mold the meaning of the past into a glowing tapestry of grace.

An entry about what blows my mind...

I told my roommate this morning something I remembered from my days at Boston College, when I met late one night with Father Tacelli...


Where is the cure for guilt via the paths of love and forgiveness?  There is none, other than with the God of Christianity, with Jesus.

You may find other things..... paths to life... denial of the self... miracles... "happiness"..... inner peace...even good deeds, care for others, and a "higher being"....speaking in tongues or raising from the dead....

No where else will you find that God Himself has lowered Himself to become best friends with men, only to face their betrayal and desertion, utter alienation and humiliation in execution, and to have the guilt of others laid upon him.

I cannot imagine the gravity of feeling someone else's guilt upon me.  I can only marvel at how, when I stagger so mightily under my own guilt before giving it to Him, that He actually took on the guilt of others.

And to look upon the ones who have betrayed Him, and to love them again, to call them friend... to restore them in love and compassion... who can do this?

This kind of power is that which brings me into worship.  Not just abstract ideas, or displays of power, or the showing of brute, unmoved will... it is the willingness to befriend, experience betrayal, and to forgive with incredible steadfast love.  For it is this which every human being can relate to, and can find unimaginably awesome.... that there is indeed Someone in the world that you could wrong so badly, who would still love you.

Ho hum....

Awake when I don't need to be, sleepy when I need to be awake.
Motivated for the wrong things at the wrong time.

Miraculous that I've made it this far. =P

Windows 7, by the way, is outstanding.  Even on an old desktop PC it's just smoother and faster.

I've decided to move to a different room to get my own space.  I'll miss the company, but I think I may get some divine Company, and this may aid me more in my day-to-day existence.


We sang a new song at church today.  It happened to be an old hymn, with rewritten music and a chorus added.  It's strange how I always thought worship music writing was an enterprise I felt too presumptuous to take upon myself, but circumstance has caused to be something I've done regularly in the past year.

What is it that makes two people right for each other?  And how can you know if people are truly happy or not?  The eyes deceive, and only God can really see it.  I find that my observations and guesses are often far off, and my criticisms at times are simply devoid of trust in Providential purpose.

Walking through life unconsciously... going from one moment to the next... I see myself doing this...I see others doing it.  And I wonder as to the purpose.  Not in the sense that I don't think I have at least partly understood it, but I find the impulse to wonder happens nonetheless.

When I hear about happiness and excitement of others, I feel a sad, sometimes sardonic emotion... other times I am glad, but still in a slightly sad way.  Why always tainted by melancholy?  Because I know what they feel will not last forever.  Inevitably something will come in the next moment and spoil it, even if that spoiling is for their ultimate good. 


I've learned that sitting in utter silence, without internal or external noise, is a necessity.

I've accepted that loneliness is a fruitful way of refining the soul.

Finally, I realized this week that the absence of something you took for granted exposes at least in part its true value to you.

Things I've gleaned as of 2010...many of them not so evident.

If there's anything that this year has been, it has been a time of refreshing peace.  A clearing of fog.  Many things which caused me sorrow and pain and popped into focus.  There are few things which I feel unclear about, even though I feel so much more uncertain about my future!

But here they are....

1. I've become incredibly aware of my shortcomings and the impossibilities in my character.

It is quite amazing when I think about how incredibly humbling it's been to be able to really know that I am not that great.  To know that I don't have some sort of "edge" that makes me just that wee bit smarter than everyone else, thereby making my opinions de facto the best opinions around.

For the first time in my life, people have done things to me, or said things, and I've started to react, but then pulled back and said to myself, "well...you know, they are probably right.  I am that sort of person, and I probably deserved that in some way.  I should think before I try to justify myself."

Not self-flagellation by any means, really.  I think just healthier perspective on myself.


2. I've regained the groove of writing music.

For many, many years I found myself in a funk of being unable to write anything.  I think the majority of my writing was done in undergrad, from 2000-2002, and then things in my life happened which were hard, and I just died creatively.  I probably wrote creatively maybe 5 times in the 6 years since then, but this past year has seen a renaissance of my creative energies.

It's not even a source of bragging....I've become all too aware of how fragile I am, and how creativity is a gift that is given and taken away during different seasons...

3. Healthy emotions have returned...

People have often endearingly accused me of being "emo", but truth be told I think that for about 6 years, I shed far less tears than I did in the two years '01-'02.  I finally feel normal sadness and happiness.  I'm far less reactive, and even when things happen which bring up the trauma of the past, I'm able to handle it far better than I used to.

4. I have for the first time actually gotten a fair amount done, and have forgotten very little.

Thanks to Getting Things Done (which I finally finished this semester, after several years of reading a few chapters at a time here and there), and my nearly complete implementation of the GTD system with most of my life (outside of my schoolwork, ironically), I've at least gotten to the point where as long as I've written it down, it gets done.  Even if it takes a few months or a few years.  I closed the loop on certain things I've told myself for almost a decade I was going to do (like contact my old piano teacher from high school to thank him for the immeasurable difference he's made in my life), and I've noticed myself keeping my commitments better, and saying "no" to more things!

I even look ahead in my calendar regularly....I actually think of things ahead of time....which, if you know me AT ALL, is a complete miracle.  I've planned events, booked plane tickets ahead of time, and even anticipated weekend events a month ahead of time!

Again, some of you may think this rather unextraordinary, but for me this is nothing short of miraculous.


5. I've figured out a way to have a steady stream of introducing myself to new things to fill my intellectual/creative/entertainment/political realm....

I have a Microsoft Zune (30 GB, which is great, though I'd get this one or this one if I had more cash), and I use my Zune Pass to download via subscription tons of new music and new albums by my favorite artists, and this music is organized via smart playlists and then played during my journeys up and down from school.... I've never been so glad for 40 minute commutes.

I have a subscription to The Week, which is the greatest thing EVER if you have a hard time trying to keep up and care about politics and current events.  They take the best articles, editorials, and events of each week and compile them into an easy readable publication.  The Week tries to be unbiased, and to say the least I at least feel like I get both sides on every issue.  And finally I don't feel like a completely unresponsible citizen of this fair country, or an unaware sheltered Christian nincompoop.  (That's right, I said nincompoop.)

I use Google Reader to basically subscribe to EVERYTHING I read online so that I don't have to surf the web and do endless clicking.  Everyday I'm able to peruse the headlines of hundreds of blog posts on different websites, from tech blogs like Engadget/Gizmodo to "make life better" blogs like Lifehacker to fitness articles on T-Nation and even personal blogs....Tweetdeck pretty much takes care of Facebook/Twitter feeds.


6.  I've settled better into acceptance of waiting.

Waiting for what?  Well, everything!  I deceive my self less about future moments, and do more in the present than I used to.  I'm more ok with being single than I ever have.....I think after years of it being an overwhelming situation that must be dealt with, I've at least learned to accept that good things take time.  I can accept the slow rate at which my character seems to grow, and the way in which relationships require long-standing patience and love to mature.  I can also better accept the uncontrollable things in life, both within myself and in the world.


I think I'll wrap it up here.  Needless to say, I don't feel like I've arrived even in the least.  I probably spent a good 30 minutes feeling today in prayer admitting that I'm about as impoverished and weak as ever, and desperately needing the strength of Another to get me through each day, but perhaps....perhaps even that is progress.