In the grand scheme of things...

Sometimes it takes the presence of Another for you to realize how you have really felt all along.  

The more secure you feel with someone, the more you find you are able to be yourself, and expose....well, yourself.

Why is there suffering?

Why, because I have caused it, and because I have birthed it.

The odd thing is that my Lord has seen it fit not to erase it (and perhaps, even, erase me in my current state?) but instead to transform it....to turn into a tale, a story....one that is both sad and worth telling....joyful and melancholy all at the same time.

I don't know if you're like me, where these moments catch up with you.....I had it today listening to "River God" by Nichole Nordeman.  Most of the things that have caused me grief and stress these days have more to do with despair over my own self than anything else...and yet it's only the relieving presence of God, and the realization that He is indeed purifying the evil from my soul, and that allows me to cave in and admit that it has been a difficult process.

Tis strange to be banking on a payout that will never come until I close my eyes in death.  And yet I stand on that now-invisible surface with my entire soul, as I type here with utmost conviction that God is love.

And now, back to my paper.

Random thoughts about responsible purchasing/ownership....and a few product reviews.

The important thing for me is:
1) Will it be useful?

This is by far the most important thing which may seem common sense, and yet is most helpful when I consider buying new gear.  And it's not just "will I use it", but will it actually add qualitatively to my life in a way that might in some way at all help me move towards my goals or towards being a more loving person/blessing to other people?  Even if it means destressing me helping me feel more relaxed during my R&R time.

I've ended up selling quite a few things and letting myself have a few others based on this filter.

2) I break things/lose things...will that be ok?

If something is expensive and awesome but fragile I may not get it.
Or maybe it's awesome but small and I'll lose it....in that case I may get the cheaper one.

Case in point/Product reviews:  Pens, bluetooth headsets, headphones.

I remember going to Staples and thinking "I need an awesome pen."  I bought like an $8 pen that also functioned as a stylus for my PDA and also a pencil!  It was awesome.....for all of 3 weeks until I lost the thing.

I've never bought a super expensive pen again, realizing that I routinely lose pens/pencils.  So I have a huge stack of papermate pens of the cheapest kind and have just left them EVERYWHERE.  Then I got a smaller collection of Pilot G2 Gel pens and left a few of those everywhere.  I haven't bought pensf ro a long time sense, because I'll lose a few, find a few, and always have a few.

Similarly, back in the day I decided I would get an awesome balls-to-the-wall bluetooth headset.  So I did research and paid like $50 for a Platronics Voyager, which was by the way totally awesome.  A few months later I lost it, and I have no freaking idea where it is.  Determined to prevent such similar nonsense from happening again, I got a Jabra BT350 for about $15 somewhere, and this perfectly serviceable headset I actually have to this very day (though I actually am selling it b/c I got another one on the cheap which is better).

Headphones:  At first I spent a decent amount of money on a pair of Shure headphones, which were, back in that day, pretty expensive.  They were then promptly lost.  I owned a pair of Koss SportaPros, which by the way sound terrific for the price.  But the gem of them all was my purchase of some Grado SR60s from a friend for $40 (thanks, Ina!!), and I have to say, I've never heard anything quite as good for under $100.  For daily casual usage and travel to block out sound, I actually ended up finding a pair of Skullcandy Titans for just $17 on ebay!  These are probably the best cheap buy I've found....they even have a mic on them so I can use them with my phone to answer calls, etc.

Needless to say, after my initial mistake, I've never spent more than $50 on headphones, and I've been very happy with the mileage I've gotten out of most of my purchases.  Shout-out to www.headphone.com for giving me some of the greatest headphone recommendations for the money that I've ever known.

Oh, and NEVER buy crap like those Dr. Dre headphones.....super not worth it.

I started this entry with some kind of point in mind, but after half-finishing in last week, I don't remember.  So I'll end it here.

The difference healthy pessimism can make.

"One did not expect to like it.  Nobody said you ought to like it.  Nobody pretended to like it.  Everyone you met took it for granted that the whole thing was an odious necessity, a ghastly interruption of rational life.  And that made all the difference.  Straight tribulation is easier to bear than tribulation which advertises itself as pleasure.  The one breed camaraderie and even (when intense) a kind of love between the fellow sufferers; the other, mutual distrust, cynicism, concealed and fretting resentment."

- C.S. Lewis, Surprised by Joy.

He is talking here about his participation in the military...but I find it strikingly profound about lots of things..... it's why I probably enjoyed working at the mall alot more than working at a software company....the former had no pretense of enjoyment, while the latter attempted to create a pretense of it being fulfilling in and of itself.... in fact, the description pretty much describes (in possibly more melodramatic fashion than I'd like, but fairly accurately nonetheless) the way both of those occupations felt.

I wonder if such an attitude is not more helpful if we had it in more areas of life....it the sense of entitlement to purpose or happiness which often produces so much misery.  As if certain things are supposed to be fulfilling, when they really never promised us as such, except via the lies of society and the world (and the Devil, I'd say)....

Some things aren't exactly meant to be pleasant in the fullest sense.  Sometimes it's a matter of honor and duty, or working hard and doing what must be done because there is a battle to be fought, some thing that must be won, or a responsibility which has a gravity that far outweighs our petty concern for enjoyment.

A big difference in my life the past few weeks.....

has been waking up at 6 AM (or earlier, sometimes!) and going to the gym, and then starting the day, with the day usually ending by 10:30 PM or earlier.

I just feel better.  WAY better.  And more productive, happier, less depressed....then I read this in a fitness article...

6. An hour of sleep before midnight is worth two hours after midnight.

My fiancée typically has to get up pretty early. I, on the other hand, am self-employed and set my own schedule, so I never see athletes before 10 a.m. We go to bed at the same time (around 10:30 p.m.), but I'm still up by 6:15 a.m. at the latest. I'm sleeping less than the ever-coveted eight hours per night, yet I'm still as productive as ever. What gives?
I'm getting more hours of sleep before midnight, and I wake up without an alarm. The end result is I get a ton of stuff done early in the day (I'm actually typing this at 6:11 a.m.). Now, if I sleep 12 a.m. to 8 a.m., I notice a huge drop in performance, even though it's more sleep.


Now, he goes on to say that it just matters that you sleep and wake up at the same time everynight, but I'm just going to go ahead and say that waking up with the sun and sleeping soon after it sets has been the best thing I've ever done.

I've worked out more consistently, eaten late-night a whole lot less, and wasted less time in general.  It's been fantastic.  Who would've thought.  And now we have like a small crew that goes together to the gym at 6:30 AM.  haha.....perhaps the only positive influence I've had on people at seminary. =P

If something does not make sense....

It's either foolish, or there is something undiscovered.

How can a man sing endlessly of the love of an invisible God, crying out "I'm so grateful" in a way that cannot be denied, but must be identified as genuine thanksgiving?

Or if someone loves a despicable person....while we may dismiss it as delusion, might we not also see that there is perhaps something worthy of love within the apparently despicable individual?

I feel this most keenly at weddings......it is almost as if for a moment you see into the world of two loved ones.... an entire world of existence, and a way of seeing that person which seems more right, in a way.

It may be that when we die, the things which were most important were seen by the fewest people.

How could more pain and suffering be worth it?

You ask this when you suffer, but really the question is far deeper....



The question is, why would the pain and suffering of God be worth enough that He would bring it upon Himself?

=)

Have a nice day!

My Depression, and the Great Escape.

It is strange....when I consider how my sadness, which has been with me since childhood, has taken its full shape.

Many think it is just about positive thinking..... but I can remember my turning point in one place, and in one place alone.


I cried out to God, and said, "I am miserable, but You promise life!  You can do whatever You want with me, if I can only know You as fully as possible."

Suffering is only bad if it has no purpose.

What has happened, to my immense joy, has been that I have been given joy and love unending, but also that my melancholy state and sadness have been channeled into useful, good things in my life.  It is not that suffering has been erased, but it has been changed.

The story is not good by ripping pages out.....only by reading on, and seeing how the future events will mold the meaning of the past into a glowing tapestry of grace.