The difference healthy pessimism can make.

"One did not expect to like it.  Nobody said you ought to like it.  Nobody pretended to like it.  Everyone you met took it for granted that the whole thing was an odious necessity, a ghastly interruption of rational life.  And that made all the difference.  Straight tribulation is easier to bear than tribulation which advertises itself as pleasure.  The one breed camaraderie and even (when intense) a kind of love between the fellow sufferers; the other, mutual distrust, cynicism, concealed and fretting resentment."

- C.S. Lewis, Surprised by Joy.

He is talking here about his participation in the military...but I find it strikingly profound about lots of things..... it's why I probably enjoyed working at the mall alot more than working at a software company....the former had no pretense of enjoyment, while the latter attempted to create a pretense of it being fulfilling in and of itself.... in fact, the description pretty much describes (in possibly more melodramatic fashion than I'd like, but fairly accurately nonetheless) the way both of those occupations felt.

I wonder if such an attitude is not more helpful if we had it in more areas of life....it the sense of entitlement to purpose or happiness which often produces so much misery.  As if certain things are supposed to be fulfilling, when they really never promised us as such, except via the lies of society and the world (and the Devil, I'd say)....

Some things aren't exactly meant to be pleasant in the fullest sense.  Sometimes it's a matter of honor and duty, or working hard and doing what must be done because there is a battle to be fought, some thing that must be won, or a responsibility which has a gravity that far outweighs our petty concern for enjoyment.

A big difference in my life the past few weeks.....

has been waking up at 6 AM (or earlier, sometimes!) and going to the gym, and then starting the day, with the day usually ending by 10:30 PM or earlier.

I just feel better.  WAY better.  And more productive, happier, less depressed....then I read this in a fitness article...

6. An hour of sleep before midnight is worth two hours after midnight.

My fiancée typically has to get up pretty early. I, on the other hand, am self-employed and set my own schedule, so I never see athletes before 10 a.m. We go to bed at the same time (around 10:30 p.m.), but I'm still up by 6:15 a.m. at the latest. I'm sleeping less than the ever-coveted eight hours per night, yet I'm still as productive as ever. What gives?
I'm getting more hours of sleep before midnight, and I wake up without an alarm. The end result is I get a ton of stuff done early in the day (I'm actually typing this at 6:11 a.m.). Now, if I sleep 12 a.m. to 8 a.m., I notice a huge drop in performance, even though it's more sleep.


Now, he goes on to say that it just matters that you sleep and wake up at the same time everynight, but I'm just going to go ahead and say that waking up with the sun and sleeping soon after it sets has been the best thing I've ever done.

I've worked out more consistently, eaten late-night a whole lot less, and wasted less time in general.  It's been fantastic.  Who would've thought.  And now we have like a small crew that goes together to the gym at 6:30 AM.  haha.....perhaps the only positive influence I've had on people at seminary. =P

If something does not make sense....

It's either foolish, or there is something undiscovered.

How can a man sing endlessly of the love of an invisible God, crying out "I'm so grateful" in a way that cannot be denied, but must be identified as genuine thanksgiving?

Or if someone loves a despicable person....while we may dismiss it as delusion, might we not also see that there is perhaps something worthy of love within the apparently despicable individual?

I feel this most keenly at weddings......it is almost as if for a moment you see into the world of two loved ones.... an entire world of existence, and a way of seeing that person which seems more right, in a way.

It may be that when we die, the things which were most important were seen by the fewest people.

How could more pain and suffering be worth it?

You ask this when you suffer, but really the question is far deeper....



The question is, why would the pain and suffering of God be worth enough that He would bring it upon Himself?

=)

Have a nice day!

My Depression, and the Great Escape.

It is strange....when I consider how my sadness, which has been with me since childhood, has taken its full shape.

Many think it is just about positive thinking..... but I can remember my turning point in one place, and in one place alone.


I cried out to God, and said, "I am miserable, but You promise life!  You can do whatever You want with me, if I can only know You as fully as possible."

Suffering is only bad if it has no purpose.

What has happened, to my immense joy, has been that I have been given joy and love unending, but also that my melancholy state and sadness have been channeled into useful, good things in my life.  It is not that suffering has been erased, but it has been changed.

The story is not good by ripping pages out.....only by reading on, and seeing how the future events will mold the meaning of the past into a glowing tapestry of grace.

An entry about what blows my mind...

I told my roommate this morning something I remembered from my days at Boston College, when I met late one night with Father Tacelli...


Where is the cure for guilt via the paths of love and forgiveness?  There is none, other than with the God of Christianity, with Jesus.

You may find other things..... paths to life... denial of the self... miracles... "happiness"..... inner peace...even good deeds, care for others, and a "higher being"....speaking in tongues or raising from the dead....

No where else will you find that God Himself has lowered Himself to become best friends with men, only to face their betrayal and desertion, utter alienation and humiliation in execution, and to have the guilt of others laid upon him.

I cannot imagine the gravity of feeling someone else's guilt upon me.  I can only marvel at how, when I stagger so mightily under my own guilt before giving it to Him, that He actually took on the guilt of others.

And to look upon the ones who have betrayed Him, and to love them again, to call them friend... to restore them in love and compassion... who can do this?

This kind of power is that which brings me into worship.  Not just abstract ideas, or displays of power, or the showing of brute, unmoved will... it is the willingness to befriend, experience betrayal, and to forgive with incredible steadfast love.  For it is this which every human being can relate to, and can find unimaginably awesome.... that there is indeed Someone in the world that you could wrong so badly, who would still love you.

Ho hum....

Awake when I don't need to be, sleepy when I need to be awake.
Motivated for the wrong things at the wrong time.

Miraculous that I've made it this far. =P

Windows 7, by the way, is outstanding.  Even on an old desktop PC it's just smoother and faster.

I've decided to move to a different room to get my own space.  I'll miss the company, but I think I may get some divine Company, and this may aid me more in my day-to-day existence.


We sang a new song at church today.  It happened to be an old hymn, with rewritten music and a chorus added.  It's strange how I always thought worship music writing was an enterprise I felt too presumptuous to take upon myself, but circumstance has caused to be something I've done regularly in the past year.

What is it that makes two people right for each other?  And how can you know if people are truly happy or not?  The eyes deceive, and only God can really see it.  I find that my observations and guesses are often far off, and my criticisms at times are simply devoid of trust in Providential purpose.

Walking through life unconsciously... going from one moment to the next... I see myself doing this...I see others doing it.  And I wonder as to the purpose.  Not in the sense that I don't think I have at least partly understood it, but I find the impulse to wonder happens nonetheless.

When I hear about happiness and excitement of others, I feel a sad, sometimes sardonic emotion... other times I am glad, but still in a slightly sad way.  Why always tainted by melancholy?  Because I know what they feel will not last forever.  Inevitably something will come in the next moment and spoil it, even if that spoiling is for their ultimate good. 


I've learned that sitting in utter silence, without internal or external noise, is a necessity.

I've accepted that loneliness is a fruitful way of refining the soul.

Finally, I realized this week that the absence of something you took for granted exposes at least in part its true value to you.