The lack of sincerity in the public sphere.

(previously unpublished, just thought I'd throw it out there for the heck of it...this is a unpolished and incomplete thought-stream type of entry).

I've given in, yes. Facebook updates and twitter have literally relegated us to quick posts about things which are overall inconsequential. Even our responses have been reduced to a quick "click" of "Like".

Occasionally there's that thread of comments on facebook, but it's so rare nowadays.

More than ever I notice the creeping in of insincerity into everyday relationships, and our complacency with it.

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The problem with me is, I've grown tired of attempting to foster such intimacy with people; indeed, such that I've sometimes scoffed at others' attempts to foster it, because I believe that their efforts will either end in futility or in an enclave of over-sensitivity.

Is this really the way it should be?

To elaborate more, I've come to realize that there are varying degrees to which people find themselves able to emote and relay inward thoughts and emotions to other people. Some of this has to do with extrovertedness and introvertedness.

Historically, I often found it exasperating attempting to access the inward thoughts and emotions of others who were not oriented as I was; I shared feelings and contemplations readily, and loved to bounce things out in the open sphere. Yet I became aware that this is often difficult or even impossible for people of a more introverted disposition and nature; hence a tension created on both ends in the form of perceived needs vs being considerate of the disposition of the other.

Here is the rub though; I would think that the best way to resolve these tension would be through discussion, but introverts usually prefer not to have discussion! I have to thereby resolve this new tension by reasoning to myself that often these kinds of tensions can be resolved by subtle hints and unspoken conflict resolution. But wow is that difficult.

Most people live dejectedly in worldly sorrow and joy; they are the ones who sit along the wall and do not join in the dance. The knights of infinity are dancers and possess elevation. They make the movements upward, and fall down again; and this too is no mean pastime, nor ungraceful to behold. But whenever they fall down they are not able at once to assume the posture, they vacillate an instant, and this vacillation shows that after all they are strangers in the world. This is more or less strikingly evident in proportion to the art they possess, but even the most artistic knights cannot altogether conceal this vacillation. One need not look at them when they are up in the air, but only the instant they touch or have touched the ground–then one recognizes them. But to be able to fall down in such a way that the same second it looks as if one were standing and walking, to transform the leap of life into a walk, absolutely to express the sublime in the pedestrian–that only the knight of faith can do–and this is the one and only prodigy. - Kierkegaard

Interesting tidbits...

Some fun facts about the past few months:

- I have no doubt in my mind that I've made a vast improvement in closing out tasks and keeping projects in the loop.  Much thanks to Getting Things Done, and maybe the medication, and maybe just some plain old impatience with myself and becoming tired of never knowing what was going on in life.

- I built my own cheapie gaming computer and totally-awesome-workstation (thanks to this site) for less than $500, and am not regretting it for a moment....not having to break out my laptop except for class, and having a super speedy workstation/gaming computer is pretty much everything I hoped it would be.

- In my 30th year, it strikes me that my time could've been better spent in my 20s (doesn't EVERYONE think so?), but really it wasn't wasted, because at least I was able to accrue enough wisdom to see this, rather than think "my 20s were awesome".

- I finally started reading again for leisure!  It started with reading "the Week" in the bathroom, but ever since I bought a Kindle, there have actually been moments of leisure reading in my life....often via my Android Kindle app or on the Kindle itself.  Looking forward to traveling next week and taking a Kindle instead of three or four books.

- While I'm getting a better idea of what I'm good at, I have no idea what direction to take come next year, and that decision is getting really, really close if I want to actually start taking next actions.

- I'm constantly in humble amazement at my journey thus far, and am very thankful.

Where is the Lord, the God of Elijah?

Tis strange how the world goes 'round....

It is a strange thing when you realize the fragility of your own consciousness and soul....how easily you can be rattled and shaken, and helpless you often are within your own situations.

To have clarity about what is going on within yourself and outside of yourself, and to within that even understand why something cannot be helped, but must be nonetheless....it is a strange feeling.

Sometimes it produces unrest.....but today it has produced a strange sense of peace.

Perhaps this and the fact that I was given such a measure of grace by my Hebrew professor that I can't really be more thankful.


I'd say that the last few months have been some of the most difficult in certain respects....but it truly is the difficult times that bring us the most reward, and can help us to become redeeming agents in the world.....not contributing anymore than is necessary to the chaos and destruction that goes on every day.


Also, if you are running in the wrong direction, becoming tired sooner than later is probably a good situation, not a bad one.  You can reevaluate and figure out what has been going wrong.

The signs of health returning to me?  I've stopped escaping via video games and distractions, and have begun to once again engage myself with....myself, I guess.  This blog entry being one of many signs of life returning to me.

I think I am just grateful that my weakness exposes with clarity the strong and merciful hands that carry me.

Cheerio.

I have a really, really strange psychosis.

For some odd reason, I really feel bad disturbing people who are sleeping.

It's bizarre, but I have such an insane paranoia regarding this that I'll go to great lengths to make sure it doesn't happen.

Case Study #1:

Forget the Girl was playing at KASCON hosted at Princeton University.  They gave us two hotel rooms to stay in, and so three of us in the band had to sleep in a room with two double beds.  I came in later than the others, so I arrived to a dark room where both of my buddies are sleeping to the side of each of their respective beds, giving me the option of sleeping next to either one.

But what do I do?  I'm so paranoid about disturbing them that I decide to sleep on the floor of the hotel room with my jacket draped over my body for the entire night.

In the morning, they asked why the hell I did that, and I had no explanation, except that I "didn't want to disturb them."


Case Study #2:

My room at school is arranged such that rather than share a room and have a common room, my roommate and I have it arranged so that he has the common room to himself, and I have the bedroom.  The only thing is, if I want to use the bathroom I have to walk through his room.

The prospect of having to open the door whenever he is asleep or napping bothers me such that for a while I would open the door handle as silently as possible.  I would then creep into the bathroom, equally silently closing the door, and then turning on the light after entering, because when you turn on the light, the fan turns on too.  Even when the fan goes on, I am bothered by that, such that I always wonder if there is a way to use the bathroom with the door closed and the light off (there isn't, because there's no windows).

Even right now, I am trying to clean up my room, but I won't because washing dishes means some clinking noises, and running water and walking back and forth between my room and his.

Oh, and you think my roommate is a light sleeper?  He isn't.  In fact, none of this bothers him at all, and he thinks I'm crazy.



Basically, I have to intentionally tell myself "oh whatever" and just make noise when I realize it's really not bothering anyone, but actually right now, the dishes thing....I can't bring myself to do it.  Which is why I'm writing this blog entry instead.

In the grand scheme of things...

Sometimes it takes the presence of Another for you to realize how you have really felt all along.  

The more secure you feel with someone, the more you find you are able to be yourself, and expose....well, yourself.

Why is there suffering?

Why, because I have caused it, and because I have birthed it.

The odd thing is that my Lord has seen it fit not to erase it (and perhaps, even, erase me in my current state?) but instead to transform it....to turn into a tale, a story....one that is both sad and worth telling....joyful and melancholy all at the same time.

I don't know if you're like me, where these moments catch up with you.....I had it today listening to "River God" by Nichole Nordeman.  Most of the things that have caused me grief and stress these days have more to do with despair over my own self than anything else...and yet it's only the relieving presence of God, and the realization that He is indeed purifying the evil from my soul, and that allows me to cave in and admit that it has been a difficult process.

Tis strange to be banking on a payout that will never come until I close my eyes in death.  And yet I stand on that now-invisible surface with my entire soul, as I type here with utmost conviction that God is love.

And now, back to my paper.