Where is the Lord, the God of Elijah?

Tis strange how the world goes 'round....

It is a strange thing when you realize the fragility of your own consciousness and soul....how easily you can be rattled and shaken, and helpless you often are within your own situations.

To have clarity about what is going on within yourself and outside of yourself, and to within that even understand why something cannot be helped, but must be nonetheless....it is a strange feeling.

Sometimes it produces unrest.....but today it has produced a strange sense of peace.

Perhaps this and the fact that I was given such a measure of grace by my Hebrew professor that I can't really be more thankful.


I'd say that the last few months have been some of the most difficult in certain respects....but it truly is the difficult times that bring us the most reward, and can help us to become redeeming agents in the world.....not contributing anymore than is necessary to the chaos and destruction that goes on every day.


Also, if you are running in the wrong direction, becoming tired sooner than later is probably a good situation, not a bad one.  You can reevaluate and figure out what has been going wrong.

The signs of health returning to me?  I've stopped escaping via video games and distractions, and have begun to once again engage myself with....myself, I guess.  This blog entry being one of many signs of life returning to me.

I think I am just grateful that my weakness exposes with clarity the strong and merciful hands that carry me.

Cheerio.

I have a really, really strange psychosis.

For some odd reason, I really feel bad disturbing people who are sleeping.

It's bizarre, but I have such an insane paranoia regarding this that I'll go to great lengths to make sure it doesn't happen.

Case Study #1:

Forget the Girl was playing at KASCON hosted at Princeton University.  They gave us two hotel rooms to stay in, and so three of us in the band had to sleep in a room with two double beds.  I came in later than the others, so I arrived to a dark room where both of my buddies are sleeping to the side of each of their respective beds, giving me the option of sleeping next to either one.

But what do I do?  I'm so paranoid about disturbing them that I decide to sleep on the floor of the hotel room with my jacket draped over my body for the entire night.

In the morning, they asked why the hell I did that, and I had no explanation, except that I "didn't want to disturb them."


Case Study #2:

My room at school is arranged such that rather than share a room and have a common room, my roommate and I have it arranged so that he has the common room to himself, and I have the bedroom.  The only thing is, if I want to use the bathroom I have to walk through his room.

The prospect of having to open the door whenever he is asleep or napping bothers me such that for a while I would open the door handle as silently as possible.  I would then creep into the bathroom, equally silently closing the door, and then turning on the light after entering, because when you turn on the light, the fan turns on too.  Even when the fan goes on, I am bothered by that, such that I always wonder if there is a way to use the bathroom with the door closed and the light off (there isn't, because there's no windows).

Even right now, I am trying to clean up my room, but I won't because washing dishes means some clinking noises, and running water and walking back and forth between my room and his.

Oh, and you think my roommate is a light sleeper?  He isn't.  In fact, none of this bothers him at all, and he thinks I'm crazy.



Basically, I have to intentionally tell myself "oh whatever" and just make noise when I realize it's really not bothering anyone, but actually right now, the dishes thing....I can't bring myself to do it.  Which is why I'm writing this blog entry instead.

In the grand scheme of things...

Sometimes it takes the presence of Another for you to realize how you have really felt all along.  

The more secure you feel with someone, the more you find you are able to be yourself, and expose....well, yourself.

Why is there suffering?

Why, because I have caused it, and because I have birthed it.

The odd thing is that my Lord has seen it fit not to erase it (and perhaps, even, erase me in my current state?) but instead to transform it....to turn into a tale, a story....one that is both sad and worth telling....joyful and melancholy all at the same time.

I don't know if you're like me, where these moments catch up with you.....I had it today listening to "River God" by Nichole Nordeman.  Most of the things that have caused me grief and stress these days have more to do with despair over my own self than anything else...and yet it's only the relieving presence of God, and the realization that He is indeed purifying the evil from my soul, and that allows me to cave in and admit that it has been a difficult process.

Tis strange to be banking on a payout that will never come until I close my eyes in death.  And yet I stand on that now-invisible surface with my entire soul, as I type here with utmost conviction that God is love.

And now, back to my paper.

Random thoughts about responsible purchasing/ownership....and a few product reviews.

The important thing for me is:
1) Will it be useful?

This is by far the most important thing which may seem common sense, and yet is most helpful when I consider buying new gear.  And it's not just "will I use it", but will it actually add qualitatively to my life in a way that might in some way at all help me move towards my goals or towards being a more loving person/blessing to other people?  Even if it means destressing me helping me feel more relaxed during my R&R time.

I've ended up selling quite a few things and letting myself have a few others based on this filter.

2) I break things/lose things...will that be ok?

If something is expensive and awesome but fragile I may not get it.
Or maybe it's awesome but small and I'll lose it....in that case I may get the cheaper one.

Case in point/Product reviews:  Pens, bluetooth headsets, headphones.

I remember going to Staples and thinking "I need an awesome pen."  I bought like an $8 pen that also functioned as a stylus for my PDA and also a pencil!  It was awesome.....for all of 3 weeks until I lost the thing.

I've never bought a super expensive pen again, realizing that I routinely lose pens/pencils.  So I have a huge stack of papermate pens of the cheapest kind and have just left them EVERYWHERE.  Then I got a smaller collection of Pilot G2 Gel pens and left a few of those everywhere.  I haven't bought pensf ro a long time sense, because I'll lose a few, find a few, and always have a few.

Similarly, back in the day I decided I would get an awesome balls-to-the-wall bluetooth headset.  So I did research and paid like $50 for a Platronics Voyager, which was by the way totally awesome.  A few months later I lost it, and I have no freaking idea where it is.  Determined to prevent such similar nonsense from happening again, I got a Jabra BT350 for about $15 somewhere, and this perfectly serviceable headset I actually have to this very day (though I actually am selling it b/c I got another one on the cheap which is better).

Headphones:  At first I spent a decent amount of money on a pair of Shure headphones, which were, back in that day, pretty expensive.  They were then promptly lost.  I owned a pair of Koss SportaPros, which by the way sound terrific for the price.  But the gem of them all was my purchase of some Grado SR60s from a friend for $40 (thanks, Ina!!), and I have to say, I've never heard anything quite as good for under $100.  For daily casual usage and travel to block out sound, I actually ended up finding a pair of Skullcandy Titans for just $17 on ebay!  These are probably the best cheap buy I've found....they even have a mic on them so I can use them with my phone to answer calls, etc.

Needless to say, after my initial mistake, I've never spent more than $50 on headphones, and I've been very happy with the mileage I've gotten out of most of my purchases.  Shout-out to www.headphone.com for giving me some of the greatest headphone recommendations for the money that I've ever known.

Oh, and NEVER buy crap like those Dr. Dre headphones.....super not worth it.

I started this entry with some kind of point in mind, but after half-finishing in last week, I don't remember.  So I'll end it here.

The difference healthy pessimism can make.

"One did not expect to like it.  Nobody said you ought to like it.  Nobody pretended to like it.  Everyone you met took it for granted that the whole thing was an odious necessity, a ghastly interruption of rational life.  And that made all the difference.  Straight tribulation is easier to bear than tribulation which advertises itself as pleasure.  The one breed camaraderie and even (when intense) a kind of love between the fellow sufferers; the other, mutual distrust, cynicism, concealed and fretting resentment."

- C.S. Lewis, Surprised by Joy.

He is talking here about his participation in the military...but I find it strikingly profound about lots of things..... it's why I probably enjoyed working at the mall alot more than working at a software company....the former had no pretense of enjoyment, while the latter attempted to create a pretense of it being fulfilling in and of itself.... in fact, the description pretty much describes (in possibly more melodramatic fashion than I'd like, but fairly accurately nonetheless) the way both of those occupations felt.

I wonder if such an attitude is not more helpful if we had it in more areas of life....it the sense of entitlement to purpose or happiness which often produces so much misery.  As if certain things are supposed to be fulfilling, when they really never promised us as such, except via the lies of society and the world (and the Devil, I'd say)....

Some things aren't exactly meant to be pleasant in the fullest sense.  Sometimes it's a matter of honor and duty, or working hard and doing what must be done because there is a battle to be fought, some thing that must be won, or a responsibility which has a gravity that far outweighs our petty concern for enjoyment.

A big difference in my life the past few weeks.....

has been waking up at 6 AM (or earlier, sometimes!) and going to the gym, and then starting the day, with the day usually ending by 10:30 PM or earlier.

I just feel better.  WAY better.  And more productive, happier, less depressed....then I read this in a fitness article...

6. An hour of sleep before midnight is worth two hours after midnight.

My fiancée typically has to get up pretty early. I, on the other hand, am self-employed and set my own schedule, so I never see athletes before 10 a.m. We go to bed at the same time (around 10:30 p.m.), but I'm still up by 6:15 a.m. at the latest. I'm sleeping less than the ever-coveted eight hours per night, yet I'm still as productive as ever. What gives?
I'm getting more hours of sleep before midnight, and I wake up without an alarm. The end result is I get a ton of stuff done early in the day (I'm actually typing this at 6:11 a.m.). Now, if I sleep 12 a.m. to 8 a.m., I notice a huge drop in performance, even though it's more sleep.


Now, he goes on to say that it just matters that you sleep and wake up at the same time everynight, but I'm just going to go ahead and say that waking up with the sun and sleeping soon after it sets has been the best thing I've ever done.

I've worked out more consistently, eaten late-night a whole lot less, and wasted less time in general.  It's been fantastic.  Who would've thought.  And now we have like a small crew that goes together to the gym at 6:30 AM.  haha.....perhaps the only positive influence I've had on people at seminary. =P